An Open Letter to Wheat Bread

January 22, 2018

Dear wheat bread,

 

I'd like to start by saying that I don't hate you. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but I acknowledge your place in the world. You really beat out your competitors when it comes to nutritional value. The variety you offer is also respectable: whole grain, seven grain, ancient grain and multi-grain to name a few. You aren't evil, malicious, or vindictive by nature. I appreciate all these qualities in you. 

 

Now that we've established some of your merits, please allow me to kindly point out how your dogmatic doctrines are creating cult members instead of life-affirming practitioners of Glutenology.

 

You are generally a healthy food and are probably 100 percent healthier than the health world's whipping post: white bread. Just because you subscribe to a particular lifestyle doesn't mean that others can't cohabitate this planet with different lifestyles. If people want to eat nutrition-less bleached flour, stop standing in their way.  It's not only okay for white bread to exist, it's also okay for people to eat it.

 

Sure, there are some behaviors where I think a person might need to be saved from himself or herself. Consumers of froyo may not understand that they're funneling soft-serve-hate into their mouths. Gilding your froyo with glitter, marshmallows, sprinkles and the hope for a better tomorrow does not change the fact that every bite is a bite toward gloopy self-loathing soup. Froyo eaters need a Matrix-esque unplugging to see that ice cream heals old wounds and nourishes the soul in a way that extra cold yogurt simply cannot.

 

Consumption of white bread does not necessitate the same type of culinary lobotomy that froyo does. Eating white bread is like indulging the occasional slip in good judgment. White bread lives in the same mostly-harmless domain as one-night stands, Taco Bell, skipping a tooth brushing and watching ten consecutive hours of Netflix. These products and behaviors aren't good for us, but they definitely aren't going to kill us after limited use.

 

Wheat bread, you also need to understand that the world does not exist in binaries. The world is not black and white or wheat and white. The world is full of glutinous greats like sourdough, potato and buttermilk breads. These breads, too, may not be cures to cancer, but they deserve to live lives free of finger-waving and fear-mongering. When I put my egg in a basket, I want to know that it's going to be well-supported and cared for in a thick cut of sourdough. If I make a ham n' cheese, I want my teeth to slide into the potato bread like they're old friends, not tolerated refugees. When I toast to my favorite buttermilk french toast, I do so knowing that whole grains and seeds are not going to destabilize the textural balance shared between bread, syrup and sugar.

 

Wheat bread, I want you to be your truest self, but I also want you to step off your unbleached, nutrition-dense, preachy AF high horse. 

 

Regards,

Kyle Young

 

P.S. Tell your cult-followers that wheat bread is not a substitute for fruits, vegetables and regular exercise. 

 

 

 

 

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